My First,and quite probably my last, blog

I had a good day at hospital today.


Established that the Oncologists doesn't really know what is going on inside my body, and is guessing pretty much at the moment. Anyway, his guess was that things are going well, and if I stay positive then everything will stay good for a lot longer.


Great. I sometimes have trouble staying positive, particularly when he said that the drug can keep the tumours at bay for on average 6 months. That panics me. I get a feeling inside that I want to run away from my body, just leave it there and scoot off for a holiday somewhere, anywhere else, and then pick it up later in a few years time when the cancer has passed by.

"Hey I'm home. How'd it go? Yeah great, had a lovely time, drank too much, eat too much, but nice to see you again. Course I remember you, but you look great now. How are you doing? Brilliant news. Mind if I get back in and get on with my life. No, anyway body thanks for coping without me."

But it isn't like that at all. Have gone through a lonely period where all the people I know who have cancer have died recently and it makes you think about when it is your turn. One had similar cancer to me, the others had various different types, but it can make you feel left out in a strange sort of way. I don't want to die, but it's sort of like being the only man left alive in the world. I wouldn't want that. Anyway, I have to keep going and have to keep looking up and onwards.


I saw lots more people today, and none of them look like they have a troubled life, rushing to and from work in their euroboxes. A man in a van stopped to ask me if he could cut down my trees out front. I said no, I have a gardener. Thought about my gardener as he pulled away. He only cuts grass and doesn't like heights, so my trees are safe for now. I think I heard them sigh.


Had a bit of work done to the house over the summer. Trying to complete my bucket list. Downstairs loo means no struggling to get upstairs, and new front door with video entry phone means can argue with callers without opening up. New alarm means can deafen them if they wont go away from front door. Good security means a lot to my nearest and dearest. Glad to be here to arrange it. Who calls it a bucket list? Strange name. Anyway, I always liked to plan things. Anything really, just as long as it had a plan in it. Stopped for about 18months when I thought there wasn't much point in planning anything other than my funeral. Did that, it was going to be big with lots of gnashing and wailing, and a lovely eulogy spoken by my friends, with all my old school masters listening in, and a full church weeping at my casket. Worked out what they were going to say, and told myself I was going to write it all down when I woke up properly in the morning. But come morning I was so tired from staying awake all night planning my funeral that I went to sleep.
Now 2 years on I will let them who remain write it down and speak as they find. If it happens in the next 14 months then it will all be paid for by my work and I will get a motorcycle escort, Special Escort Group, like a member of royalty or a prime minister, for my final drive.
But it wont happen in the next 14 months if I have my way. I aim to keep positive and staring at the future, planning for adventures and good things for my wife and daughters.
A new set of panels for the fence is next on the agenda. That should take me ages to complete. Last time I kept hammering my thumb.
I'll let you know how I get on.